omg i changed gryffindors
why am i so nervous it’s a blog gosh
i had a lovely talk with someone tonight, just talking, and telling stories, and comparing notes, and pulling faces.
i like people that you can just be yourself around, they make me happy.
my plan for tonight: shower, get into pyjamas, eat dinner with angela, curl up in bed with season 5 of grey’s anatomy, tea and icecream, and not move for five hours or so.
that is just about all i can handle at this point.
please, please, can this just be over.
i’m totally emotionally drained at this point. i feel like absolute shit 99% of the time. it feels like i’m getting punished for something that i’ve done rather than just dealing with the consequences of a stupid thing.
can this year just end, please? can i just carry on with my life and not have to deal with this totally pointless shit?
so i was lying on my stomach with my chin on a cushion watching a movie on my laptop and there is this blanket on me but it is only covering my thighs and i want it to be covering my feet. so instead of getting up and putting it on properly i spend twenty minutes writhing around trying to make it fit without taking my eyes off the movie, and in this twenty minutes i forget that i’m doing it until suddenly i make an exasperated sound and burst into tears because apparently my subconscious got so frustrated that she couldn’t handle it any more. and now i am in hysterics laughing at myself and angela things i’m insane. oh my god.
there are so many things that i’m anxious about lately and whenever i get to just this hour of the night they seem to all come together and crash over me like a wave.
can’t i just be content with the way things are and take things as they come? why can’t my head be quiet when i want it to be? is it like this for everyone?
in the last two days two strangers have stopped me on separate occasions and given me a really beautiful compliment. the fact that it’s still making me smile now makes me want to go say nice things to every stranger i see.
the races were today. we got all dolled up and i wore a fascinator for the first time in ever and i had long eyelashes and pretty heels and everyone looked amazing. we had a champagne and fruit and croissant breakfast at ashleigh’s house with the girls before heading in. mostly it’s all a whirl of bright colors and impressive suits and fast horses. i bet on two and not only did they not win, they both came last, so that is the abrupt end of what could otherwise have been a promising gambling career.
tonight i went to a friend’s house and they apparently read my blog and wanted a mention. this is your mention. finish the movie and the pizzas, and also i have a bruise on my arm.
i will be so happy at the end of this year when we can get new roommates and not have to live in such a draining environment any more.
seriously, it’s like even when things are going well it’s as though there’s this dark cloud of negativity just floating over the house at all times. what must it be like to live your life that way, never happy unless you’re judging or hurting others?
bring on december.
today i found out that our lecture was postponed till next week, so ange and i went into the city for an impromptu reading and drinking coffee kind of day.
the weather was perfect, and i had on a summery little white dress with blue polka dots so i felt very happy with myself all day. we had lunch at a tucked away little cafe that angela knew, and spent about an hour poring over classics in dymocks, and read little women on the grass in the sun at anzac square, and had endless coffees and teas and went window shopping.
tonight we met up with one of my old school friends, katie, and went to southbank for a beautiful turkish dinner on colourful little pouffles and low, candlelit tables. it was lovely to see her again after a few months, we had so much to catch up on.
when i got home there was an enormous care package from my parents with clothes and shoes and an impossibly oversized knitted sweater which i am currently lounging about in, and i had a long shower and tried out all my new body washes and moisturisers and i feel beyond wonderful.
i really hope that you had a beautiful day. if you have a moment, come tell me about it?
I feel like total shit. I just had to tell something to someone that I’ve been putting off for ages and they were really nice about it considering and it’s a super grey area so I don’t even have the comfort of knowing if I did the right thing. Fuck. I feel like absolute dirt right now.